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Is this list exhaustive? No! But if you were to turn this into a drinking game in which everyone takes a shot for every person they can name under these categories…things would get messy.
The Mayor
Do you know those people who can’t walk five steps without stopping to say hello to someone?
That’s the mayor.
She knows everyone in Kampala, from high rollers and big executives to bartenders to boda guys in specific areas to the best hair braiders and everyone in between from all walks of life.
She has a story for how she got to know each of these people but it all comes down to how friendly and approachable she is. She makes most people feel free to open up and at home. She’s the one who knows a guy who knows a guy and not just in Kampala and if anyone needs help she’s either there for you or knows who to call.
The Matchmaker
How many matches does it take before she gets it right?
There is no limit.
She might get it right. She might not. 😏But this one knows people from all sorts of circles and for some reason, she really wants you to be in a relationship. You play along because where’s the harm. The problem is that when your shallow and vain self asks, “Is he cute?” she has the audacity to reply, “He’s nice.” She will quickly add, “He’s funny.” 🙄 Ma’am, you did not answer my question. Sure enough, when you meet “your match”. Jesus wept! 😪
It’s not him. It’s you. You know that there’s no way in heaven or hell, not even for the sake of a green card, that this man would be perfect for you. But Madam Matchmaker will be giggling, smiling and excited that you’re going out on a date. When you turn down the “match” she picked for you, she will harass you until she finds someone else.
The Mother
Did your dress rip and you need a safety pin? She’s got some in her purse. Do you need to fix your hair? She has extra bobby pins. Is someone ashy? She has some vaseline and lotion. Did you forget to carry something warm and now you’re freezing? She has an extra scarf or jacket in the car and yes, it will work with your outfit. Do you have a headache? She has painkillers. Yes, she’s even got a condom if you need one or two.
She’s out here being Wonder Woman from Najjera. She might take it too far and ask when you plan to get married, when you plan on losing or gaining some more weight, when you plan to have kids. But overall, she’s got your back. And yes, she will fight that one guudu who wants to get violent after you turned him down at the bar.
The One Who Arrives with Just Vibes
The gang has been planning to meet for lunch or drinks. You’ve had some time to plan this and make sure nothing messes up your meet. Then little missy comes with her vibes and no cash to sort out her own bills.
🤔 We are confusion. Sometimes she might talk about how she thought everything was “on the house”, or she’ll use this as the opportune moment to talk about how money has been hard lately even though sis has fresh nails and fresh hair do. We repeat, 🤔we are confusion.
The One That’s All about Her Man
We all know that one friend who disappears when she has a boyfriend and reappears when they’ve broken up. You probably have a mental picture of her. Yup, she’s the one we’re talking about here.
When you invite her to go out for lunch, it’s all about, “I have plans with boo.” When you want to go visit her, it’s “Boo is coming over.” There’s no one else who can take priority or space except for…(you guessed it)…le boo. And yes, you’ve rolled your eyes so many times. And yes, we are all tired.
When she gets married, nothing much changes. The language just switches up a bit. “I have to go make dinner for hubby.” “Hubby is all alone. He might be lonely.” “I have to go home, hubby misses me.” But at least then she has some time, (please note, some time) in her schedule for her friends too.
Why? Because she misses her friends and also maybe because she finally bagged the man and has the ring to prove it.
The Fun One
She might know all the trendy dance moves. She might know all the recent music by heart. She knows all the new spots in town and out of town; the best places to eat and party. She knows a guy who can get you free tickets or some type of perks including how to get into Christmas Cantata without lining up.
Sometimes you don’t know what to expect from this one. She might dance on a table. You might turn around and notice she found her way to the VIP section rubbing shoulders with the “who’s who or Kampala”.
The Fun One comes in different shades because she could be the soft spoken one in the gang or the loud one with a big laugh or somewhere in between. She might have the wildest stories that will have you widening your eyes in disbelief and gasping for breath from laughing so hard. You just never know what to expect from her. It doesn’t matter because she’s always great company.
The Churchy One
Let’s start by pointing out that not all church girls are the same. Church girls exist on a spectrum.
There's the type who declares she's dating Jesus. Yes, she’s so serious about this.
There’s the type whose every conversation descends into a lecture about sin, hell and likely the antichrist and devil worshippers. She’s very “judgey” and knows all the artists who have signed over their souls to the devil. (How does she know? 🤔We also don’t know.) It’s like she’s was appointed Angel Michael’s Assistant to point out every evil and every sin she sees around her.
There’s the type who a devout follower of a certain Prophet, Apostle, Pastor or Priest. Everything she says is referenced back to said Prophet, Apostle, Pastor, Father or “Papa”.
There’s the type that will plug her ears when anything other than Christian music is played anywhere around her. And no, she will not watch movies either.
There's another type of church girl who will hold your hand and pray with you with love and kindness. We all love her. There's no denying that.
There are plenty more kinds of church girls in-between.
The Traditional One
Yes, you must kneel while greeting everyone. No, you can't look in the direction of the in-laws. No, you can't touch them either because you might get Parkinson’s. Yes, bride price is a must. No, women can’t inherit their father’s property even if they were named in the will. Because what kind of abomination is that? Could they not find a close male relative even if the deceased had no sons? Could they not find a stranger within the deceased’s lineage to take over his property?
Because yes, culture. Yes, culture always. She strongly believes in the rules of her culture and its superstitions regardless of how problematic and unprobeable some of these customs are. It doesn’t matter who the culture hurts or marginalizes.
And no, she has never once questioned her culture and why should she. It’s her culture.
The Bookworm
She's simple. She loves books. Yes, if you gifted her a book for her birthday she’d be very pleased. But if you went a step further and found out the books she’s been hoping to get her hands on, then you’re her person. You get it. But just because she’s a bookworm doesn’t mean you only get her books as gifts. Come on! She loves other things too. If you’re like the bookworm, you’d love joining a community of other book lovers. Join the Can We Talk Book Club here.
The News Reporter
She knows all the juicy gossip about everyone and anyone. She has sources in all the circles. Most times her news (aka gossip) turns out to be true.
This type of girl comes in different subtypes too: the one who is willing to share the news with anyone and everyone, the one who knows stuff but only dishes to a select few people in her circle and the one who only dishes if anything relating to the news she has comes up.
She’s the CSI, FBI, KGB, MI6 of the gang. If any info needs to be dug out, collected, dissected and analysed, she's got you. She’ll do the job with ease.
Her skills come in handy especially when you meet someone new. Right before you start thinking of dating or imagining what his last name would sound like next to your first name, she can do some digging. She’s there when you need her to find out whether he’s got any dirt. She’ll help you learn whether he’s in another relationship, married, has kids, who his friends are, where he works, whether he’s forced some lady out there into getting an abortion and if he’s “hallaring” at any other girls.
Disclaimer: This list isn’t exhaustive (and is for entertainment purposes only so calm down) and of course some women out there fall into multiple archetypes.
Which ones did I miss?