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Loving Yourself Enough to Walk Away: Lessons I’m Learning About Dating
- Nassali Asha Precious
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
Dating has a way of teaching you things about yourself that you didn’t even know needed to be learned.
For the longest time, I thought dating was about finding someone who liked me back. Someone who chose me. Someone who wanted to spend time with me.
But what I’m slowly realizing is that dating is also about learning when not to choose someone.
And that part is much harder, because we are told from a young age, that a man is supposed to choose you, we literally live most of our life performing and auditioning for “this man”. Who we haven't met yet, but try to be the perfect woman that can one day be called this man’s wife.
When Attraction Isn’t Enough
Sometimes you meet someone and the connection feels easy. The conversations flow, the chemistry is there, and you find yourself looking forward to the moments you get to spend with them.
But attraction alone isn’t the same thing as intention.
You can feel close to someone who is emotionally unavailable. You can enjoy someone’s company even if they aren’t capable of giving you the kind of relationship you want.
For a long time, I tried to convince myself that if something felt good in the moment, maybe that was enough.
It usually wasn’t. Who am I trying to convince, it was never enough.
Ignoring the Patterns We Can Clearly See
One of the most difficult things about dating is when someone shows you their pattern very clearly, but you still hope your situation will somehow be different. Like they say, when you like or are attracted to someone, your eye sight gets a little blurry.
When someone has a history of cheating, dishonesty, or inconsistency, it’s easy to believe that maybe you’ll be the exception. Maybe things will be different with you. And one thing I need us women to remember, is that when it comes to men, none of us are special.
But patterns are rarely accidents. That person is who they are, and believe them by their actions. Sometimes the biggest act of self-respect is believing people when they show you who they are.
The Emotional Tug-of-War
What people don’t talk about enough is how confusing it can feel to detach from someone you care about, even when you know the situation isn’t good for you.
There are moments when you feel strong and clear-headed, like you’ve finally chosen yourself.
And then there are moments when you miss them, when you question your decision, or when you wonder if you overreacted.
Growth rarely feels clean or perfect. Sometimes it feels messy, emotional, and uncertain. And choosing that uneasiness, that sour taste at the back of your throat, that drop in your stomach any time you see their name or when someone mentions them, might be the best thing you’d ever do for your nervous system.
Learning to Raise My Standards
Something I’m slowly understanding is that standards aren’t about being difficult or expecting perfection.
They’re about protecting your peace.
Standards are saying:
I deserve honesty. I deserve effort. I deserve to be taken out on actual dates, not hidden in the background of someone else’s life.
And if someone can’t offer those things, the most powerful choice I can make is to walk away, even if it takes me a few tries to get there.
Dating as a Form of Self-Discovery
Dating isn’t just about finding the right person. Sometimes it’s about discovering the right version of yourself.
The version of you who trusts your instincts. The version of you who doesn’t settle for half-hearted love. The version of you who believes that the right relationship won’t require you to shrink your standards.
I’m still learning all of this in real time. Discovering things that feel good to my body and soul, sitting out alone, enjoying my own company, treating myself to amazing food and turning this year into A Year of Self.
Because if there’s one thing I’m starting to believe, it’s this: The right relationship will never require you to ignore your own worth just to keep it.
And when I'm ready to get back out there, I will do it with the best wing man by my side.
Further Reading: Books on Love, Self-Worth, and Walking Away
As I continue to reflect on dating and the importance of choosing relationships that align with my values, I’ve also been exploring books that challenge the way we think about love and self-respect. These are some of the works that explore themes of emotional maturity, attachment, and the courage it sometimes takes to walk away from relationships that no longer serve us.
All About Love by bell hooks - A powerful reflection on what love truly means. Hooks argues that love must include care, respect, responsibility, and honesty, reminding readers that love without these qualities cannot be sustained.
Attached by amir levine and rachel heller - This book explains attachment styles and why people are often drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. It offers insight into recognizing healthier relationship dynamics.
Women Who Love Too Much by robin norwood - A classic exploration of why some people stay in relationships where their emotional needs are not being met, and how self-awareness can help break those patterns.
The Art of Loving by erich fromm - A philosophical look at love as a skill that requires effort, discipline, and emotional maturity rather than just attraction.
The School of Life Guide to Love by alain de botton - A thoughtful exploration of how our past experiences shape who we fall for and why understanding those patterns can help us build healthier relationships.
SOUNDTRACK TO THIS ERA
Sometimes, the hardest lessons in love aren’t about the person across from you, they’re about yourself. Learning to walk away when attraction isn’t enough, choosing peace over confusion, and honoring your own worth takes courage.
Music has a way of holding those moments for us. It reminds us that it’s okay to feel, to reflect, and to celebrate ourselves along the way. Here’s a playlist I’ve put together for anyone learning to love themselves first: songs to cry to, dance to, and most importantly, to remind you that you come first.
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