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Men come in many shapes, sizes and flavours. But after growing up in Kampala, you might start to think you’re living through a dejavu because of how similar some of the men in this city are. Disclaimer: Someone out there somewhere might see this as an attack. But hey! If the shoe fits… One: The tribalist This one loves to emphasise that his tribe is “better” than any other tribe (not just in the country, but in the whole continent). This is the type of guy who will speak to you in his native tongue even when you have reminded him repeatedly that you aren’t from his tribe. Oh, and if he finds you attractive, then you must be from his tribe…because how dare you be this beautiful and not have the blood of the greatest tribe in the world flow through your veins. How dare you! But when he’s confronted with the fact that you are proud of your own tribe, he finds all manner of things to say to make you feel like your people aren’t good enough to live in the same country he does. Then will claim he’s joking. It’s exhausting.
Two: The “I love you” guy
It doesn’t matter if you’ve known him for a few minutes or for the length of a kadongo kamu ballad, he loves you. Some versions of this guy will say the words, “I love you” while others will use some variation to warn you that you’ve got his attention (que the eye roll):
“I think you’re special.”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“I want a girl like you.”
“I want to have babies with you.”
“I wish I had met you earlier.”
This guy doesn’t care whether you’re in a committed relationship or just not looking to date. He’s in the feels and needs to ride the wave of these emotions while he’s still on this high. Sometimes it’s an act, all part of the vibe, making him very much like guy number 3 on this list. Three: The “I want to get in your pants” guy
I guess you have to applaud him for his focus. He doesn’t care about anything else but sex. No, you’re not a multifaceted human being with thoughts and ideas. He just wants to get in your pants. No, he doesn’t remember your name. He just wants to get in your pants. No, he doesn’t care what your feelings are on climate change. He just wants to get in your pants. Yes, he’s been looking at your boobs and bums…coz he wants to get in your pants. Four: The “you know I’m interracial” guy His entire identity is based on the fact that, yes, one of my parents is white. As if to say, yes, I’m better than you who has no drop of something foreign. He uses every opportunity possible to associate himself with his whiteness. “Michelangelo is one the greatest artists. He was Italian. You know I’m half Italian right?”
He’ll talk a lot about how the white side of his family is so much better than the black Ugandan side of the family. He acts like his presence in your life is a blessing because he represents your proximity to whiteness (which in his opinion is the best thing). Five: The “I’m supposed to travel abroad” guy The first time you heard him tell this story was about 5 years ago. Everything in his life is based on how he’s supposed to be traveling abroad: his career, relationships, education, his vibe…everything. He won’t commit to a job or studying because “I’m supposed to travel abroad…soon.” His vibe likely starts and ends with, “I’m supposed to travel abroad soon.” This is supposed to entice a girl’s attention because?...the reason is unclear. This type of guy is sometimes sad and depressed because he’s unsure whether his dream will ever come true and watching people his age thriving in a country he no longer cares for is becoming harder. Six: The guy who’s always trying to borrow money
Sometimes his excuse is that he hasn’t carried cash and the cashless system is down. Other times he’ll ask to borrow some money because the “big” payment he’s been expecting hasn’t hit his account yet. And other times, things get dark and this guy will go as far as lying about his mother’s health to get money out of you. Some versions of this guy LOVES to talk about all the money he has, all the deals that are paying big, the high life he’s living off his riches but…there’s nothing to show for it. When you say no, he’s likely to call you a bad friend. When you say no, he’ll hit back with “It’s not like I don’t have money. I just needed a ka 50k.” This guy also rarely pays back his debts but keeps coming back to borrow. When he does pay you back: it’s never in full, another election cycle has come around and he acts like he’s doing you a favour. Seven: The chauvinist
Most of the guys who fall under this category seem proud to be part of the club. The way they speak about women and girls makes you wonder, “Who hurt you? What is her name? Do you still dream about her?” He seems to enjoy getting into arguments with women about women’s issues. He seems to enjoy body shaming women yet…well, if the tables were turned he wouldn’t want hateful words shot in his direction. He’s always talking about everything women should be and should do. He’s always generalizing women but asks that men not be put into one box. His speech is often downright misogynistic. His backing reason for everything is “I did my research” (he didn’t) or “These are just facts” (no they’re not) or “I have sisters. I know” (he doesn’t know and doesn’t really care about his sisters). Eight: The (willfully) ignorant one who claims to be better than everyone.
He only reads “make money quick” types of books and claims any other type of books, fiction and non-fiction alike, are for children. He judges anyone who loves to watch television or movies or sports claiming they are losing precious money making time. The only reason why he joins any clubs or attends any events is to “network”. Everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like a rehearsed pitch. Like the misogynist he refuses to listen to any other stories that challenge his way of life or mindset. He’s likely to be part of a pyramid scheme that he didn’t bother to learn more about before diving in head first. Because money. The other version of this ssebo is the one who says he is well versed in foreign politics (America is the go-to) but Ugandan politics is boring and isn’t worth space in his superior mind. Nine: The Churchy guy Religion is everything. It’s the end all and be all of his life. Every conversation is about teaching people around him what the Bible says. He might say something as mind boggling as “You wear perfume? What does the Bible say about that?” His other interests include watching “documentaries'' on the many things Lucifer is doing in the world. He rebukes people often and going to church counts as a leisure activity. There’s nothing wrong with loving your God and your religion. But this guy…this guy centres everything on religion. He leaves no room to question the teachings of different religious leaders. He likely hops from one church to another seeking answers he ought to find himself. Ten: The “do you know who I am” guy He might be related to a big shot in Kampala. But he might not. But he might work for a big company. But he might not. He might have some riches to his name. But he might not. Whoever he is, he’s likely a nuisance when he gets drunk or when his inferiority complex rises up from his gut to his throat and through his lips. THE BONUS: Eleven: The normal guy: The normal guy does exist. And no, he never looks the same and comes in varying packages too. His interests may or may not include: farming, video games, music, sports, fitness, cars, tech, art, photography…the list goes on because the world is filled with many interesting things. He enjoys spending time with his friends and family but desires an identity that’s separate. He focuses on his career or education or income generating ventures. He’s not trying to pressure anyone into anything. He’s not trying to sell you anything. He’s not trying to establish himself as dominant in any way. He’s objective. But when he does stick to his guns about his own opinions, and he will, he doesn’t attempt to degrade anyone that thinks differently. He’s open minded because he’s genuinely interested in learning. He’s not afraid to admit that he doesn’t know everything and takes the time to get informed. Is this list exhaustive? No! But if you’ve lived in Kampala or spent even one long weekend in this city, you can probably already see the faces of these individuals. Which guys have you met in Kampala?
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